Matt's Camera (2005-2009)

Lost my camera a few weeks ago. In its memory, here are a few of my favorite pictures I took with it in the last year.

Scenes from Cannes 2009

The view from my bedroom in our apartment here in Cannes:

A typically extravagant Cannes promotion; a giant mock-up of the UP house & balloons filled with dozens of real balloons:

As usual, the Carlton Hotel is covered in movie ads. I like the ones from Inglourious Basterds best. I doubt we'll see this catch phrase on the American advertising.

JCVD must have had a bigger impact in Europe than it did in the states; Van Damme billboards are everywhere this year. This one has the tagline of the century. Oh and in answer to your question, tagline: YES.

Finally, either this menu is mistranslated, or that is the dirtiest sandwich in history:

Summer Vacation Checklist, Part 4

4)Visit 4 ballparks in 7 days.


U.S. Cellular Field? Check.


Busch Stadium: The Sequel? Check.


Wrigley Field? Big check.


Miller Park? Checkers.

Summer Vacation Checklist, Part 3

3)Denigrate an artistic masterpiece.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Van Gogh, you were one of the greatest artists of the nineteenth century. Hey man, that was over a hundred years ago — what have you done for me lately? That Kirk Douglas movie about your life totally stinks! Who cares if this self-portrait is one of the most stunning paintings I've ever seen — it's old and one-eared! WHAT ELSE YA GOT?

Summer Vacation Checklist, Part 2

2) Ignore local color while taking work phone calls.


I don't give a crap if you are the first public outdoor work installed in the United States by British artist Anish Kapoor, Cloud Gate. Toronto Film Festival's coming up next month!

(Okay so "The Bean" is actually amazing. Here's a better shot:)

Summer Vacation Checklist, Part 1

1) Show the Gateway Arch who's the boss.


That's right, I have the magic of photographic perspective on my side, sucka. Eat it, breathtaking architectural marvel!

A Termite Art Wedding

There comes a point every man's life when he sucks it up and gets married in a three minute ceremony officiated by an angry woman. For Rob Sweeney, today was that day.



Yes, that's right suckers, today was a very special day here at Termite Art. Today our little Rob became a man. Or he became a manchild who's now married. Either way, we were there to witness all the action. First there were manly handshakes all around because that's what real men like me and Rob do at times like these.



So why a wedding and why now of all times? Y'see Rob's lovely bride Andrea is from our beloved neighbors to the north. A bureaucratic thicket ensured that this wedding, something in the offing probably months from now, would instead be taking place today. At the office of the city clerk. In front of these people.



Poor bastard. By the way, I have been instructed by the bride and groom that under no uncertain terms am I to make a joke about green cards.



Hey, I didn't say anything. Talk to Gerard Depardieu.

Now, not surprisingly, I'd never been to this marriage center before. It is a fascinating place. There are signs EVERYWHERE.



I mean EVERYWHERE.



Can you imagine working in a place like this and someone tries to pay with a check? You know that happens like four times a day. Must drive them crazy. And what kind of place makes you pay for a marriage with a money order? Why not just the cold hard cash? "Yeah hun, we'll get married in a few minutes. Nah, I gotta stop by CVS first! No they don't take checks! No, no credit cards either!"

Oh and you can't smoke either. The city clerk is uptight, boy.



Anyway, the lovebirds were first in line to register for the assembly line of ceremonies this morning. But the actual weddings don't start until 9 AM, and we were very early. So...



...



There was one upside though. We were able to enjoy all the luxurious amenities that the clerk's office had to order.



Eventually we tired of waiting and I decided to take matters into my own hands.



You wouldn't believe how easy it is to marry people — thank you phony Internet ordainment!

After much shifting in our folding chairs, the moment was upon us. And once I fiddled with my camera enough to get it working...



You'll notice the newlyweds miming an exchange of rings like they're Marcel Marceau or something. Evidentally no rings...yet. No one can know they're married. Except, apparently, the readers of Termite Art which, as I understand it, is the whole of the internet.

Like I mentioned earlier, the actual weddings begin promptly at 9 AM. I looked at the clock on our way out the door.



For the time-telling impaired, that's three whole minutes. When they say marriages are a blur, I guess this is what they're talking about.

The judge was courteous but clearly bored and generally looked down on us like a bunch of children. Look, even adults can spill their Snapple cans in the chapel, okay lady? I started to get the feeling that she maybe regretted marrying our beloved Rob and Andrea. TOO BAD SISTER! ONCE DONE IT SHALL NOT BE UNDONE! And they got the paperwork to prove it suckas.



After the ceremony it was time for the reception of course.



The happy couple ritualistically devoured a jelly donut as a symbol of their committment to each other. I have pictures of that too but, frankly, the pictures are so graphic I dare not even post them for fear of inciting a sexual riot.

Seriously, though, it was a lot of fun, and if I can lower my typically impenetrable shield of snark for just a moment, I absolutely love these two people, and I'm very excited for both of them. Congrats and many happy years to both of them. Here's a few more parting pictures.

THIS BLOG WEDDING ALBUM ROCKED YO' SOCKS OFF FOOL!







Aw...

Behold! A 7-Eleven Shall Become A Kwik-E-Mart!!

So I'm surfing the Interweb minding my own business when I come across this article, informing that as part of the promotion for The Simpsons Movie, 11 7-Eleven stores across the country are being transformed, for one month, into Kwik-E-Marts. The article said that one of the 11 7-Elevens was in New York City but didn't give an address.

There are only 2 7-Elevens in NYC. The first, 23rd and Park, was a bust, so I went to the other, across from the Port Authority on 42nd between 8th and 9th. And EUREKA! A veritable nerd paradise:


Never before have I seen such a craven attempt at cross-promotion. And never before have I acted, in response, like such an immature loser. It was like I couldn't help myself: OOH! OOH! A Squishee machine!


They were selling Simpsons memorabilia and super-cool recreations of productions from the show like Krusty-O's and Buzz Cola (sadly, no Duff Beer — not in keeping with the family friendly image, I guess). There were tons of cool signs and stuff all over the place; my favorite was the sticker of Jasper on the Ice freezer:


The staff had even gone through and made awesome hand-made signs to go with:


I generally acted like a total idiot — I can never, ever return to this store because of how I behaved (which might not make this the best promotion in 7-Eleven's history). Mel came along to see for herself and to document my patheticness and snapped this picture which was, no joke, not posed. I was actually, shamefully, having this much fun:


Though my Squishee was totally watery and not at all frozen (somehow in keeping with the level of foodstuff quality I'd expect at a Nahasapeemapetilon establishment) there was one totally awesome treat both Mel and I enjoyed far more than we should have: the official Simpsons Movie donut:


The donut, while almost certainly toxic given the amount of chemicals required to make something that pink, was delicious and allowed me to create my very own art project:


And, of course, once you go that far, you kinda need to do something incredibly stupid, like this:















If anyone wants to animate that for me, I'd appreciate it. All in all, quite an adventure. The photos and the memories, and the slightly dirty feeling I have about getting so excited about going into a 7-Eleven, will last a lifetime. And now if you'll excuse me, back to business: