Tuesday, July 24, 2007

A Termite Art Wedding

There comes a point every man's life when he sucks it up and gets married in a three minute ceremony officiated by an angry woman. For Rob Sweeney, today was that day.

Yes, that's right suckers, today was a very special day here at Termite Art. Today our little Rob became a man. Or he became a manchild who's now married. Either way, we were there to witness all the action. First there were manly handshakes all around because that's what real men like me and Rob do at times like these.

So why a wedding and why now of all times? Y'see Rob's lovely bride Andrea is from our beloved neighbors to the north. A bureaucratic thicket ensured that this wedding, something in the offing probably months from now, would instead be taking place today. At the office of the city clerk. In front of these people.

Poor bastard. By the way, I have been instructed by the bride and groom that under no uncertain terms am I to make a joke about green cards.

Hey, I didn't say anything. Talk to Gerard Depardieu.

Now, not surprisingly, I'd never been to this marriage center before. It is a fascinating place. There are signs EVERYWHERE.


Can you imagine working in a place like this and someone tries to pay with a check? You know that happens like four times a day. Must drive them crazy. And what kind of place makes you pay for a marriage with a money order? Why not just the cold hard cash? "Yeah hun, we'll get married in a few minutes. Nah, I gotta stop by CVS first! No they don't take checks! No, no credit cards either!"

Oh and you can't smoke either. The city clerk is uptight, boy.

Anyway, the lovebirds were first in line to register for the assembly line of ceremonies this morning. But the actual weddings don't start until 9 AM, and we were very early. So...


There was one upside though. We were able to enjoy all the luxurious amenities that the clerk's office had to order.

Eventually we tired of waiting and I decided to take matters into my own hands.

You wouldn't believe how easy it is to marry people — thank you phony Internet ordainment!

After much shifting in our folding chairs, the moment was upon us. And once I fiddled with my camera enough to get it working...

You'll notice the newlyweds miming an exchange of rings like they're Marcel Marceau or something. Evidentally no rings...yet. No one can know they're married. Except, apparently, the readers of Termite Art which, as I understand it, is the whole of the internet.

Like I mentioned earlier, the actual weddings begin promptly at 9 AM. I looked at the clock on our way out the door.

For the time-telling impaired, that's three whole minutes. When they say marriages are a blur, I guess this is what they're talking about.

The judge was courteous but clearly bored and generally looked down on us like a bunch of children. Look, even adults can spill their Snapple cans in the chapel, okay lady? I started to get the feeling that she maybe regretted marrying our beloved Rob and Andrea. TOO BAD SISTER! ONCE DONE IT SHALL NOT BE UNDONE! And they got the paperwork to prove it suckas.

After the ceremony it was time for the reception of course.

The happy couple ritualistically devoured a jelly donut as a symbol of their committment to each other. I have pictures of that too but, frankly, the pictures are so graphic I dare not even post them for fear of inciting a sexual riot.

Seriously, though, it was a lot of fun, and if I can lower my typically impenetrable shield of snark for just a moment, I absolutely love these two people, and I'm very excited for both of them. Congrats and many happy years to both of them. Here's a few more parting pictures.





Blogger P.L. Kerpius said...

Aaawaa....waahh! I'm crying! Oh, our man child is all growed up and married, and to such a pretty lady! Aawwaaaaaaaaaa....Waaaaaaah!


9:07 PM  
Blogger Michael J. Anderson said...

Wonderful job Matt, you really captured the spirit of the event. And of course, congratulations again to Andrea and Rob. All the best on your new lifetime together.

-From the two people immediately to Rob's right in the group picture at the bottom (Lisa and Mike)

11:12 PM  
Blogger Pete said...

congrats mr. sweeney

8:09 AM  
Blogger Akiva said...

unbelievable and amazing

11:09 AM  
Blogger thomaskr said...

Congratulations. Rob, you're a lucky man; I know this because you just married my cousin, and our family kicks ass.

Welcome to the family!

1:12 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

To Rob & Andrea (whom I have yet to meet!):

Many sincere congratulations!!!


5:41 PM  
Blogger tintarchive said...

Holy shit! We've lost another one to the goddamned Yanks? Sheesh!

All the best to the lovely couple and I hope to see you sometime before the end of this decade!

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo bravo!! Such detailed account one can only dream of. I think you guys were married by the same lady who married us (though it seems she was much nicer to you since you showed up nice and proper - we were wearing jeans). Congrats again - and thanks Matt for sharing the special moment!

5:32 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Aww! The bride is gorgeous! The groom's ok too.

4:02 PM  

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