Monday, January 09, 2012

Matt Live Blogs THE BACHELOR Season 16, Episode 2

10:00: The credit outtakes are cops driving past Ben's date with Kacie B. They were out looking for all the missing people from Sonoma.

09:59: "Next week on THE BACHELOR (apparently) -- women street skiing in their underwear!"

09:57: Jenna's theory of where it went wrong? "These other girls distracted him!" Yes, distracted him with their ability to form complete sentences and not burst into tears for no reason whatsoever.

09:54: When Ben dramatically pauses during the Rose Ceremony, I always assume he's fumbling for a name.

09:51: Jenna is incapable of controlling her face. I'm going to miss her.

09:44: Wife: "You're right Blakeley, you didn't do this for attention. You didn't curl up in a ball in a corner and cry with the cameras around until Ben came to cheer you up for attention."

09:43: I love that this woman had the courage to wear a blue screen as a dress. That's one way to get remembered. Or to have a space field super-imposed on your torso.

09:42: Courtney looks like she's modeling a glass of red wine. Look at the way she poses with it whenever she's on camera.

09:40: Jenna is setting new BACHELOR records for most breakdowns per episode.

09:39: "I feel like I'm a guy," says Jenna. Nuff said.

09:38: Crazy Jenna has been a no-show this whole episode. Within three seconds of appearing, she's almost lit a blanket on fire. Thank God she's back.

09:30: Blakeley, who has a rose, steals Ben from Samantha, who does not. In the world of THE BACHELOR, this is an offense tantamount to child molestation.

09:29: We're trying to guess which girls are getting sent home based on the ugliness of their dresses.

09:28: "I haven't felt like this in a long time," is another variation of a popular BACHELORism.

09:28: Lindzi is deeply excited that Ben remembers her name. On THE BACHELOR, this is what qualifies as playing hard to get.

09:27: This Rose Ceremony was Brought to You By Pacific Sun Spray Tan.

09:21: Women in the room not at all surprised Ben's interested in Courtney. When else is he going to get a chance to date a model?

09:21: Courtney is staring at Ben's rose the way Kirby stares at a piece of duck jerky: "I don't care what you're saying. Just shut up and give it to me."

09:20: He's kissing Courtney again. For clarity's sake, the Kiss Count is just counting the number of women he makes out with, not individual kisses.

09:19: Why is Courtney still single? "She's picky," she says. She doesn't like guys that don't come with their own camera crew.

09:18: Ben talks about being open again. It's part of the journey.

09:17: Everything on THE BACHELOR is bathed in the same weird, orange light.

09:15: Wife intrigued by commercial for ABC show SHARK TANK until we explained it's not about people actually getting into a shark tank.

09:12: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 4 (Courtney)

09:11: When your wife randomly says she needs to get her eyebrows done while you're watching TV, that means a woman on TV has really good eyebrows (Courtney, in this case).

09:11: Wife: "If you'd brought a dog on our first date, I would have said I love you much faster."

09:10: Courtney says she hasn't been on a date in a while. Why? "I was just doing me." Do I even need to make the joke here? I don't, right?

09:07: Date #3 of the night is in a wooded area. Kinda looks like the setting of THE EVIL DEAD. I'm really excited.

09:00: Ben picks Blakeley because they had a great conversation. By conversation he means dry hump session.

08:59: BREAKING: The CDC has issued an herpes outbreak alert for the city of Sonoma.


08:56: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 2 (Jennifer)

08:54: Blakeley's breasts appear to float above the water, as if made of some kind of buoyant material. The wife spotted that one.

08:50: Courtney receives the other solo date. Courtney describes herself as competitive and likes to win. The show should put John Carpenter's music from HALLOWEEN under everything she says.

08:49: These women waiting back at the Bachelor Mansion have been alone for less than a day and they're already losing their minds. That's really exciting.

08:48: "This process is really hard, and its taxing," says Jaclyn. No, it really isn't, Jaclyn.

08:46: Blakeley, the VIP Cocktail Waitress, really wants that rose. I recommend taking Ben to the champagne room.

08:40: Any THE BACHELOR drinking game would definitely need to involve shots any time the word "journey" is uttered by one of the contestants.

08:39: Ben the Sheep is now stripping in front a room full of children. "From executive producer Jerry Sandusky comes an all-new season of THE BACHELOR!"

08:38: Ben is now dressed like a sheep, which actually presents a really useful metaphor for the way these women blindly fall in love with him without actually getting to know him.

08:36: Is Ben's character named Prince Penis? Oh, Pinot. I guess that makes more sense.

08:32: Oh, so here's where everyone in town went. The Bachelor kidnapped everyone and sent them to this Community Theatre where they were forced to watch this terrible play.

08:30: If a man took you on a date with 9 other women, made you belittle yourself in front of children and dressed you up in infantile costumes, and there weren't cameras around, what would YOU do?

08:29: One of the girls says she's seen a whole other side of Ben on this date. She has spent maybe 4 minutes with him and said a total of eight words.

08:28: When a kid tells you to be a gingerbread man, you are totally in the right to tell that child to shut their goddamn mouths.

08:27: All the women are terrible actresses. I'm pretty sure the producers put this scene in to prove the show is not staged.

08:26: Ben says some of the roles in the play the women will be made to perform will be better than others. And so the degradation for his love begins.

08:25: Deep in the background of that shot, I saw one person in Sonoma. Phew. The zombies haven't eaten everyone yet.


08:19: Kacie B. keeps talking about opening Ben up. Again, it's really hard not to make orgy jokes here, guys.

08:18: Wimpy Caveman miss Dad.

08:18: Yeah this is just what I like to do on my first dates. Show my girl videos of my junk when I was a baby.

08:16: Next, Ben takes Kacie B. to an empty movie theater. Again, there are absolutely no signs of life anywhere in this town. If someone reading this right now lives in Sonoma, I'd appreciate an email just to let me know you guys are okay out there.

08:15: Ben wants to do THE BACHELOR again because it worked once for him. If it worked once, would he still be a bachelor?

08:14: "Come play with me," says Ben to ten women via a card. It is so hard for me not to make orgy jokes about this. I sincerely hope you all appreciate the effort I'm making here.

08:12: "I looking for someone who can be a part of this life," says Ben. So Kacie B. better have her own line producer, I guess.

08:08: Seriously: where is everyone? It's like a TWILIGHT ZONE episode in Sonoma.

08:06: Kacie B. says Ben puts her in touch with things she hasn't felt in a long time. Like, for example, her desire for reality television stardom.

08:05: The streets of Sonoma are completely deserted. This restaurant is empty. Don't you want to live here forever, Kacie B.?

08:04: Kacie B. gets the first date card. Not Casey. Kacie. You have to have a weirdly spelled name to be a Bachelorette.

08:02: 2 minutes in, Ben has already invoked the memory of his dead father. Exploit that pain, Ben!

07:36: A random observation before we begin, courtesy our guests for tonight's viewing of BIG LOVE: THE REALITY SESRIES THE BACHELOR: Season 16 Bachelor Ben Flajnik looks like "a wimpy caveman." Yes. Yes he does.

Episode 1


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