Monday, January 02, 2012

Matt Live Blogs THE BACHELOR Season 16, Episode 1

FINAL THOUGHTS: Well, the Bachelorettes are suitably unbalanced, but I worry that Ben is not. Brad Womack was a giant mimbo, but he had a weird quirky personality -- or maybe the weird quirky absence of a personality that comes with years of therapy and on camera coaching. Ben is a little too normal. Maybe he was nervous, maybe he's not a good conversationalist, but he just didn't look particularly comfortable, or even that happy, hanging out with the women. He made a good Bachelor contestant on THE BACHELORETTE because he was a nice guy, and a welcome change from the super-intense, super-macho dudes who made up the rest of the cast. But as *THE* Bachelor he needs more personality.

10:00: I love that they're teasing the possibility that Ben could propose to a woman and she will say no. The show is about finding love, guys! That's what it's about!

09:59: There's always one girl who is very different around Ben than she is around the girls. Always.

09:57: Repeated references to "claws coming out." THE DARK KNIGHT RISES should consider a cross-promotion.

09:57: Ben has kissed a lot of women in this montage already.

09:53: Holy shit, the episode is over at just 9:52? So the "This Season on THE BACHELOR" montage is going to be 4 minutes long?!?

09:52: The sun is coming up on Bachelor Mansion. Who doesn't love a 15 hour cocktail party with one member of the opposite sex?!?

09:50: Amber B. leaves with dignity and class. In other words, she has no place on this show.

09:50: Head tip, no talk, walkby girl did not get a rose. The Wife is pleased.

09:48: BOOM. Totally called it. Jenna gets the last rose. Ben looks nervous hugging her.

09:47: We're not halfway through the rose ceremony and Jenna's already choking back tears. I suspect the producers have talked Ben into giving her the final rose just to see what she does on Week 2 of the show.


09:45: The "VIP Cocktail Waitress" gets a rose. Good. I want to hear more about her job.

09:43: It's fun to watch the Rose Ceremony and look for women you haven't seen at all on the show. Those are the women he isn't going to pick.

09:42: Jenna: "I preach not looking back. That's what I say in my blog!" Are we sure she's not just on the show to drive traffic to whatever the heck her blog was called?

09:35: Lindsay gets the First Impression Rose. She got it by riding in to the Bachelor Mansion on the horse. I like that this sounds like a joke, but it is, in fact, what actually happened on the show.

09:34: When a Bachelorette goes and hides in the bathroom and breaks down in tears, I imagine the entire BACHELOR production staff high fiving and cheering in video village.

09:32: Jenna's face is doing weird EXORCIST-y things. It's making me uncomfortable.

09:30: Monica vs Jenna is like someone set up an experiment to see who would win: Drunk or Crazy. So far, Drunk's dominating.

09:29: She says no.

09:28: Jenna offers to share a tampon with Monica as a peace offering. I don't know much about the female anatomy, hold on, I'm going to ask The Wife if women actually do that.

09:27: Monica's smile makes Jenna "sick." I can't wait to see what happens if Monica laughs.

09:25: Wife: "How do they pick the crazy ones? Don't they have a screening process? Do they look in their medicine cabinets for bipolar medication or something?"

09:20: Wife says Monica is the big winner of this year's Guess Which Bachelorette is the Drunkest. Tell Monica what she's won, Chris Harrison!

09:19: Just blue skying here. What would happen if instead of the Bachelor Mansion, one season of THE BACHELOR was filmed in Alcatraz? And instead of roses, Ben gave out homemade shanks?

09:17: Courtney was really struck when Ben said "I'm available." As opposed to him saying "I'm unavailable," I guess. That would be not so cool. She's just your average Italian Scottish Native American model.

09:17: Emily's not just an epidemiologist. She's a RAPPING epidemiologist. Who raps about epidemiology. Ladies and gentlemen, the best show on television.

09:16: ...or maybe what she REALLY does for a living...

09:15: Blakely has me wondering what exactly a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" does for a living.

09:07: Wife spots another popular BACHELORism: "I haven't felt this way in a long time," spoken by Sheryl's granddaughter.

09:06: Grandma Sheryl seems sweet now, but if she doesn't get a rose...

09:05: Grandma Sheryl is the next star of THE BACHELORETTE or I walk.

09:03: During this part of every BACHELOR premiere I like to play a little game. It's called Guess Which Bachelorette is The Drunkest. Feel free to play along.

09:02: The campfire budget on THE BACHELOR must be INSANE.

09:01: I never thought I'd say this in my life but: I miss Brad Womack.

08:54: Okay, now's when it gets good. 25 women drinking heavily and trying to one-up one another.

08:51: An alarming number of these women are struck speechless by Ben. Me: "He's not that good looking, right?" Wife: "He's cute!" :::awkward silence:::

08:51: Wife: "Oh no, she's got the head tip! Anna, I hate you."

08:48: Still mulling what I would say to impress The Bachelor. I know what would be the worst thing to say: his address, as you carefully caress a hunting knife.

08:46: Wife, on my last comment: "I flashed you pretty early on. I got a rose, didn't I?"

08:44: Always surprised none of the Bachelorettes flash the Bachelor. You're guaranteed a rose, right?

08:42: Brittany brought her grandmother Sheryl out to stack the deck in her favor, which provides us with the out-of-context quote of the night from Ben: "I love grandmas."

08:41: I believe that contestant called herself She-Ra. She made a wine joke. I would have gone with a Princess of Power reference.

08:38: Ooh, an epidemiologist. She gives Ben some Purell. Just what I'd want in a woman: she comes with her own hand sanitzer!

08:37: As a reminder, all 25 women are all here to date this one guy. THE BACHELOR would be a very different show if it was shot in Utah.

08:36: Every BACHELOR season has at least one or two crazies. Wife's calling Jenna as an early favorite for crazy. She's a blogger, so she's already halfway there.

08:34: Each Bachelorette has just a few seconds to say hello and make an impression. This woman just decided to use that time to compare herself to a)pork products and b)Canadian pork products. I don't envision big things for her.

08:34: Erica's dress was so bad, my wife just ordered her to get back in her limo and go home.

08:33: "Let the journey begin," says Chris Harrison. I was thinking more whatever they say to start the running of the bulls in Spain.

08:27: Phrase people only say on THE BACHELOR: "It opened me up." Other phrases inordinately popular on THE BACHELOR: "I feel like I'm finally ready for love again," and the ever-popular, "I'm not here to make friends."

08:26: Second time Chris Harrison has mentioned how hard it is to get down on one knee and propose. Way to keep twisting that knife, dude.

08:19: "The next time I get married," says Nicki, "It will be forever." Not if you have any hopes of winning THE BACHELOR, Nicki.

08:18: Shawn, the stockbroker, cares deeply about her work. And she wears low-cut blouses while caring deeply about her work. An early favorite.

08:17:Wife, on one of the Bachelorettes: "She looked prettier from farther away."

08:15: Jamie hasn't met Ben yet, but she's already fantasizing about having babies with him. The laid-back approach, I like it.

08:14: Bachelorette Courtney is introduced peeping at bathers on the Santa Monica Pier. Odd.

08:12: Bachelorette Amy is a shotgun enthusiast. For years, I've been saying a season of THE BACHELOR would end in bloodshed. So I'm very excited about Amy.

08:11:First Bachelorette is Lindzi. That's actually how it's spelled.

08:10: "It takes a lot for a man to get down on one knee and ask him to marry him," says BACHELOR host Chris Harrison. In fact, THE BACHELOR sort of proves the opposite.

08:06: The coming tonight clip teases lesbian Bachelorettes. Ah romance...

08:05: The wife observes that Ben has had his eyebrows manscaped. Can't be The Bachelor with unsightly facial hair.

08:04: Four minutes in, we get our first mention of a dead relative. Surely not the last. Probably not the last in the first ten minutes of the show.

08:03: The Bachelor is wearing a neon orange t-shirt. He's all yours, 25 crazy women.

08:01: Your new Bachelor is Ben, who proposed to a woman he hardly knew on last season of THE BACHELORETTE. She said no. Now he's THE BACHELOR. My gut says he's doing it primarily out of spite.

07:58: Here we go. If you're wondering why I'm doing this, read this piece about the best/worst show on television.


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