Monday, January 16, 2012

Matt Live Blogs THE BACHELOR Season 16, Episode 3

10:00: And that's it for the liveblog for this week. See you next week in Park City. I will bring the tissues and the spiked booze that makes women instantly cry.

09:59: In the credits outtake Erica shows Ben her tattoo which is INSIDE HER FRIGGIN MOUTH. And because your mouth heals so fast SHE'S HAD THIS TATTOO DONE MULTIPLE TIMES. If they had shown this clip BEFORE the Rose Ceremony, there would not have been as much drama.

09:59: Next week, The Bachelor's going to Park City! SUNDANCE CROSS-PROMOTION, Y'ALL!

09:59: Shawntel's doing a great job of padding her reel for the next season of THE BACHELORETTE.

09:58: Even Shawntel is crying! She's only been there a few hours! Are they spiking the wine? Is there too much oxygen in the air conditioners? What is going on with these women?!?

09:57: Shawntel looks like she's really fighting the urge to say "Ben, you have some really crazy chicks in there, dude. Be careful."

09:56: She may not appear again for the rest of the season, but Shawntel's already the MVP of THE BACHELOR, Season 16. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming and driving all these women absolutely bonkers.

09:54: Ben does not give out the last rose. Ben you are ruining the illusion that love can be decided game show style, in an elimination format.

09:48: Erica faints. All the other women blame Shawntel. Stay classy, ladies.

09:46: Are they pumping LSD into the air of this hotel? What is happening to these women?!? They're all crying and freaking out about a man they've known for six and a half days!

09:45: Try to parse this line from Jaclyn: "On a scale of one to ten, I feel like I'm gonna throw up." I'd call that a ten.

09:44: That same contestant, Elise, also called Shawntel a "psychopath." Pot, kettle, you guys have a lot to talk about tonight.

09:43: "You don't even know her!" cries one contestant who has not gone out on a solo date with Ben about Shawntel. The lack of self-awareness is remarkable, isn't it?

09:37: One woman dismisses Shawntel as "Brad's leftovers." So now we have a new nickname for Ben: Ashley's Leftovers. #theydon'tseetheirony

09:36: What's the tagline for THE BACHELOR? If it's anything other than "THE BACHELOR: Women at their worst." it's the wrong tagline.

09:35: The cattiness of the women's reaction to Shawntel just broke my modem. For realz, I had to restart everything.

09:28: Best response to Shawntel's arrive, from Rachel: "SHUT THE FUCK UP."

09:23: Speaking of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, this scene with Shawntel is reminding me of the scene where Caesar is dumped in the animal preserve and all the other apes freak the hell out.

09:22: "We could make cute babies," says Courtney, taking things to a really weird, weird place for her second sorta date with a guy she barely knows on a television show.

09:20: JFK used to bring Marilyn Monroe to this secret balcony, says Ben. Wait, is that definitely, absolutely true? Or is Ben speculatively defaming a dead President?

09:16: New contestant Shawntel says she's coming on THE BACHELOR because she really likes Ben and he's exactly what she wants in a guy. But she also says she fell in love with Brad. How could one woman like both of those two men? That's like having the hots for, like, Heidi Klum and Eleanor Roosevelt.

09:16: "No one knows I kissed you," says Jennifer. No one except the camera crew and the producers and all the millions of people watching at home. Other than that: no one knows. Your secret is safe.

09:14: 45 minutes left in the episode and we're already at the Rose Ceremony. The girls' toast to a "No Drama!" night does not look very promising.

09:08: Lindzi can't imagine anything ruining the night. Which is THE BACHELOR producer's cue to introduce a new contestant. NEVER GIVE THE BACHELOR PRODUCERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO IRONICALLY CUT AGAINST YOUR COMMENTS.

09:07: Ben describes Lindzi as "special" with the same tone I use to describe a good bag of potato chips. I don't forsee Lindzi making it to the finals.

09:05: You can see both of them sweating here. It has nothing to do with the date -- they're in a tiny room with probably six crew members and a ton of lights.

09:05: "She's open and honest," says Ben. FYI, "open and honest" is to THE BACHELOR as "DTF" is to JERSEY SHORE.


08:58: "Where are we now?" asks Lindzi as they clearly enter Chinatown. "Chinatown," says Ben, with just a hint of exasperation.

08:56: Ben now claims he was on the fence about Brittney and he gave her the date card to figure things out. Suuuuure you did...

08:51: Wife, after Rachel says this is the best date's she's EVER been on: "Yes, the best date I've ever been on with nine other women." I mean it sounds like the best date of your life, right?

08:50: Rachel, the only girl who kissed Ben on the group date, got a rose. Coincidence? No, clearly not.

08:48: Brittney claims she doesn't deserve a chance with a guy as good as Ben. Translation: "I don't find you attractive."

08:47: Brittney says she has "invested so much into this process" which she is walking away from of her own volition after about three days and zero dates.

08:46: Brittney says these "circumstances are not for me." YOU ARE BREAKING GRANDMA SHERYL'S HEART BRITTNEY!

08:44: Ben has already kissed Kacie B. so the Kiss Count doesn't change here.

08:44: Ben has just about kissed 25% of the women on the show at this point.


08:43: Rachel knows she needs to "open up" to Ben to get a rose. Update to the Wimpy Caveman Kiss Count coming in 3...2...1...

08:35: Brittney, who came to the Bachelor Mansion with her grandmother, isn't excited to go on a date with Ben. If would give every dollar I have to watch this episode with her grandmother.

08:35: The out of context quote of the night on THE BACHELOR: "Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list." -- Ben.

08:34: "This could be a dangerous date," says Ben. Well at least you made sure all the girls were properly dressed so they wouldn't get frostbite or anything! Oh. Oh wait...

08:33: For some reason they are all disrobing to ski. San Francisco, y'all.

08:32: Ben takes the group on a skiing date. BUT WHO WILL BE AFRAID OF SKIING?

08:26: "Wimpy Caveman make fire explode for Purple Dress."

08:25: Wife accurately predicts fireworks after Emily thinks nothing could be any better than the date so far. She is a steely BACHELOR veteran.

08:25: Ben has the decency not to send Emily packing after he almost made her crap herself.

08:24: "Let's cross something off our leap list," reads Ben's date card to a large group of women. Again, every one of these group dates sounds like an invitation to an orgy at the outset.


08:21: Trying the world of online dating, Emily's matches included her older brother. THE BACHELOR producers are feverishly taking notes for Season 17.

08:21: Wife: "Ben's lip gloss looks amazing."

08:19: How the hell did they get back down?!? They glossed over that whole part of the date? What it as life-affirming as the first part? I bet it mostly involved profanity and near-death experiences.

08:15: "HOLY SHIT! IT'S JAMES FRANCO AND CAESAR AND THE SUPER-INTELLIGENT APES!" cries someone in my dream version of this BACHELOR episode.


08:13: Meanwhile, back at the Bachelorette penthouse, Jennifer randomly finds them on the bridge via a telescope. If you buy that one I have some swamp land in Florida to sell you.

08:13: Emily's having a "romantic" panic attack as she "romantically" almost dies.

08:12: Having weird fantasies of a BACHELOR/X-MEN: THE LAST STAND crossover.

08:11: "Things like conquering your fears can only make a relationship stronger," says Ben, who's clearly drank THE BACHELOR Kool-Aid. NO IT DOESN'T. MAKING A WOMAN ENACT THE WAY SHE IS AFRAID OF DYING IS CRUEL, NOT ROMANTIC.

08:10: "I don't know how you deal with heights," lies Ben as he announces their date climb up the Bay Bridge.

08:09: Poor Emily gets dropped off a mile away from Ben and has to run to him. Why didn't they drop her off right next to him? That's not nice.

08:06: Emily worries she's going to pee her pants on her date. I'm sure I speak on behalf of everyone at ABC when I say we've got our fingers crossed for her.

08:02: Ben says he lives in San Francisco. But last week he lived in Sonoma. Truly, he is a man of the world.

08:01: Again, this is a show that's supposedly about romance. How romantic is it to take a woman on a date that exposes and exploits her deepest fears?

08:01:...aaaaand the woman he picked is afraid of heights. A BACHELOR SHOCKER!

08:00: Ben takes a date on a climb of the Bay Bridge. How much you want to bet he picks a woman afraid of heights to go on the date with him.

Episode 2
Episode 1


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