And now, it's time for another episode of Bad Body Double Theater!

From 1995's Village of the Damned, directed by John Carpenter. The scene: a drunken janitor goads a bunch of evil children into psychically controlling his mind. They force him to commit suicide by jumping off a roof and turning into maybe the worst double I've ever seen in a Hollywood studio film.

Here's what the janitor looks like alive:



And here's what he looks like just seconds later after he's killed himself:



Not only did his hair grow a couple inches, he magically made the broom change color too. Very impressive!

THIS CONCLUDES ANOTHER EPISODE OF BAD CRASH DUMMY THEATER!!

Filmspotting: Streaming Video Unit #1 Episode Notes

Here are the movies on this week's show and links to them:

Queue Shots
If a Tree Falls: The Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Hell and Back Again
You Can Count On Me
Blackthorn
Boarding Gate
The Weather Man
Lucky Life

Behind the 8 Ball (Expiration Date in Parenthesis)
Apocalypse Now (2/1)
Apocalypse Now Redux (2/1)
The Dirty Dozen (2/1)
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2/1)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2/1)
Night Watch (2/1)
Sweetgrass (2/2)
M. Butterfly (2/3)
We Are Wizards (2/4)
The Thorn in the Heart (2/10)
Chain Camera (2/12)

Listener's Choice Review
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Matt Live Blogs THE BACHELOR Season 16, Episode 3

10:00: And that's it for the liveblog for this week. See you next week in Park City. I will bring the tissues and the spiked booze that makes women instantly cry.

09:59: In the credits outtake Erica shows Ben her tattoo which is INSIDE HER FRIGGIN MOUTH. And because your mouth heals so fast SHE'S HAD THIS TATTOO DONE MULTIPLE TIMES. If they had shown this clip BEFORE the Rose Ceremony, there would not have been as much drama.

09:59: Next week, The Bachelor's going to Park City! SUNDANCE CROSS-PROMOTION, Y'ALL!

09:59: Shawntel's doing a great job of padding her reel for the next season of THE BACHELORETTE.

09:58: Even Shawntel is crying! She's only been there a few hours! Are they spiking the wine? Is there too much oxygen in the air conditioners? What is going on with these women?!?

09:57: Shawntel looks like she's really fighting the urge to say "Ben, you have some really crazy chicks in there, dude. Be careful."

09:56: She may not appear again for the rest of the season, but Shawntel's already the MVP of THE BACHELOR, Season 16. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming and driving all these women absolutely bonkers.

09:54: Ben does not give out the last rose. Ben you are ruining the illusion that love can be decided game show style, in an elimination format.

09:48: Erica faints. All the other women blame Shawntel. Stay classy, ladies.

09:46: Are they pumping LSD into the air of this hotel? What is happening to these women?!? They're all crying and freaking out about a man they've known for six and a half days!

09:45: Try to parse this line from Jaclyn: "On a scale of one to ten, I feel like I'm gonna throw up." I'd call that a ten.

09:44: That same contestant, Elise, also called Shawntel a "psychopath." Pot, kettle, you guys have a lot to talk about tonight.

09:43: "You don't even know her!" cries one contestant who has not gone out on a solo date with Ben about Shawntel. The lack of self-awareness is remarkable, isn't it?

09:37: One woman dismisses Shawntel as "Brad's leftovers." So now we have a new nickname for Ben: Ashley's Leftovers. #theydon'tseetheirony

09:36: What's the tagline for THE BACHELOR? If it's anything other than "THE BACHELOR: Women at their worst." it's the wrong tagline.

09:35: The cattiness of the women's reaction to Shawntel just broke my modem. For realz, I had to restart everything.

09:28: Best response to Shawntel's arrive, from Rachel: "SHUT THE FUCK UP."

09:23: Speaking of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, this scene with Shawntel is reminding me of the scene where Caesar is dumped in the animal preserve and all the other apes freak the hell out.

09:22: "We could make cute babies," says Courtney, taking things to a really weird, weird place for her second sorta date with a guy she barely knows on a television show.

09:20: JFK used to bring Marilyn Monroe to this secret balcony, says Ben. Wait, is that definitely, absolutely true? Or is Ben speculatively defaming a dead President?

09:16: New contestant Shawntel says she's coming on THE BACHELOR because she really likes Ben and he's exactly what she wants in a guy. But she also says she fell in love with Brad. How could one woman like both of those two men? That's like having the hots for, like, Heidi Klum and Eleanor Roosevelt.

09:16: "No one knows I kissed you," says Jennifer. No one except the camera crew and the producers and all the millions of people watching at home. Other than that: no one knows. Your secret is safe.

09:14: 45 minutes left in the episode and we're already at the Rose Ceremony. The girls' toast to a "No Drama!" night does not look very promising.

09:08: Lindzi can't imagine anything ruining the night. Which is THE BACHELOR producer's cue to introduce a new contestant. NEVER GIVE THE BACHELOR PRODUCERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO IRONICALLY CUT AGAINST YOUR COMMENTS.

09:07: Ben describes Lindzi as "special" with the same tone I use to describe a good bag of potato chips. I don't forsee Lindzi making it to the finals.

09:05: You can see both of them sweating here. It has nothing to do with the date -- they're in a tiny room with probably six crew members and a ton of lights.

09:05: "She's open and honest," says Ben. FYI, "open and honest" is to THE BACHELOR as "DTF" is to JERSEY SHORE.

08:59: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 7 (Lindzi)

08:58: "Where are we now?" asks Lindzi as they clearly enter Chinatown. "Chinatown," says Ben, with just a hint of exasperation.

08:56: Ben now claims he was on the fence about Brittney and he gave her the date card to figure things out. Suuuuure you did...

08:51: Wife, after Rachel says this is the best date's she's EVER been on: "Yes, the best date I've ever been on with nine other women." I mean it sounds like the best date of your life, right?

08:50: Rachel, the only girl who kissed Ben on the group date, got a rose. Coincidence? No, clearly not.

08:48: Brittney claims she doesn't deserve a chance with a guy as good as Ben. Translation: "I don't find you attractive."

08:47: Brittney says she has "invested so much into this process" which she is walking away from of her own volition after about three days and zero dates.

08:46: Brittney says these "circumstances are not for me." YOU ARE BREAKING GRANDMA SHERYL'S HEART BRITTNEY!

08:44: Ben has already kissed Kacie B. so the Kiss Count doesn't change here.

08:44: Ben has just about kissed 25% of the women on the show at this point.

08:43: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 6 (Rachel)

08:43: Rachel knows she needs to "open up" to Ben to get a rose. Update to the Wimpy Caveman Kiss Count coming in 3...2...1...

08:35: Brittney, who came to the Bachelor Mansion with her grandmother, isn't excited to go on a date with Ben. If would give every dollar I have to watch this episode with her grandmother.

08:35: The out of context quote of the night on THE BACHELOR: "Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list." -- Ben.

08:34: "This could be a dangerous date," says Ben. Well at least you made sure all the girls were properly dressed so they wouldn't get frostbite or anything! Oh. Oh wait...

08:33: For some reason they are all disrobing to ski. San Francisco, y'all.

08:32: Ben takes the group on a skiing date. BUT WHO WILL BE AFRAID OF SKIING?

08:26: "Wimpy Caveman make fire explode for Purple Dress."

08:25: Wife accurately predicts fireworks after Emily thinks nothing could be any better than the date so far. She is a steely BACHELOR veteran.

08:25: Ben has the decency not to send Emily packing after he almost made her crap herself.

08:24: "Let's cross something off our leap list," reads Ben's date card to a large group of women. Again, every one of these group dates sounds like an invitation to an orgy at the outset.

08:22: Wife: "PLEASE WIPE OFF THE LIP GLOSS."

08:21: Trying the world of online dating, Emily's matches included her older brother. THE BACHELOR producers are feverishly taking notes for Season 17.

08:21: Wife: "Ben's lip gloss looks amazing."

08:19: How the hell did they get back down?!? They glossed over that whole part of the date? What it as life-affirming as the first part? I bet it mostly involved profanity and near-death experiences.

08:15: "HOLY SHIT! IT'S JAMES FRANCO AND CAESAR AND THE SUPER-INTELLIGENT APES!" cries someone in my dream version of this BACHELOR episode.

08:14: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 5 (Emily)

08:13: Meanwhile, back at the Bachelorette penthouse, Jennifer randomly finds them on the bridge via a telescope. If you buy that one I have some swamp land in Florida to sell you.

08:13: Emily's having a "romantic" panic attack as she "romantically" almost dies.

08:12: Having weird fantasies of a BACHELOR/X-MEN: THE LAST STAND crossover.

08:11: "Things like conquering your fears can only make a relationship stronger," says Ben, who's clearly drank THE BACHELOR Kool-Aid. NO IT DOESN'T. MAKING A WOMAN ENACT THE WAY SHE IS AFRAID OF DYING IS CRUEL, NOT ROMANTIC.

08:10: "I don't know how you deal with heights," lies Ben as he announces their date climb up the Bay Bridge.

08:09: Poor Emily gets dropped off a mile away from Ben and has to run to him. Why didn't they drop her off right next to him? That's not nice.

08:06: Emily worries she's going to pee her pants on her date. I'm sure I speak on behalf of everyone at ABC when I say we've got our fingers crossed for her.

08:02: Ben says he lives in San Francisco. But last week he lived in Sonoma. Truly, he is a man of the world.

08:01: Again, this is a show that's supposedly about romance. How romantic is it to take a woman on a date that exposes and exploits her deepest fears?

08:01:...aaaaand the woman he picked is afraid of heights. A BACHELOR SHOCKER!

08:00: Ben takes a date on a climb of the Bay Bridge. How much you want to bet he picks a woman afraid of heights to go on the date with him.

PREVIOUS BACHELOR LIVE BLOGS
Episode 2
Episode 1

Matt Live Blogs THE BACHELOR Season 16, Episode 2

10:00: The credit outtakes are cops driving past Ben's date with Kacie B. They were out looking for all the missing people from Sonoma.

09:59: "Next week on THE BACHELOR (apparently) -- women street skiing in their underwear!"

09:57: Jenna's theory of where it went wrong? "These other girls distracted him!" Yes, distracted him with their ability to form complete sentences and not burst into tears for no reason whatsoever.

09:54: When Ben dramatically pauses during the Rose Ceremony, I always assume he's fumbling for a name.

09:51: Jenna is incapable of controlling her face. I'm going to miss her.

09:44: Wife: "You're right Blakeley, you didn't do this for attention. You didn't curl up in a ball in a corner and cry with the cameras around until Ben came to cheer you up for attention."

09:43: I love that this woman had the courage to wear a blue screen as a dress. That's one way to get remembered. Or to have a space field super-imposed on your torso.

09:42: Courtney looks like she's modeling a glass of red wine. Look at the way she poses with it whenever she's on camera.

09:40: Jenna is setting new BACHELOR records for most breakdowns per episode.

09:39: "I feel like I'm a guy," says Jenna. Nuff said.

09:38: Crazy Jenna has been a no-show this whole episode. Within three seconds of appearing, she's almost lit a blanket on fire. Thank God she's back.

09:30: Blakeley, who has a rose, steals Ben from Samantha, who does not. In the world of THE BACHELOR, this is an offense tantamount to child molestation.

09:29: We're trying to guess which girls are getting sent home based on the ugliness of their dresses.

09:28: "I haven't felt like this in a long time," is another variation of a popular BACHELORism.

09:28: Lindzi is deeply excited that Ben remembers her name. On THE BACHELOR, this is what qualifies as playing hard to get.

09:27: This Rose Ceremony was Brought to You By Pacific Sun Spray Tan.

09:21: Women in the room not at all surprised Ben's interested in Courtney. When else is he going to get a chance to date a model?

09:21: Courtney is staring at Ben's rose the way Kirby stares at a piece of duck jerky: "I don't care what you're saying. Just shut up and give it to me."

09:20: He's kissing Courtney again. For clarity's sake, the Kiss Count is just counting the number of women he makes out with, not individual kisses.

09:19: Why is Courtney still single? "She's picky," she says. She doesn't like guys that don't come with their own camera crew.

09:18: Ben talks about being open again. It's part of the journey.

09:17: Everything on THE BACHELOR is bathed in the same weird, orange light.

09:15: Wife intrigued by commercial for ABC show SHARK TANK until we explained it's not about people actually getting into a shark tank.

09:12: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 4 (Courtney)

09:11: When your wife randomly says she needs to get her eyebrows done while you're watching TV, that means a woman on TV has really good eyebrows (Courtney, in this case).

09:11: Wife: "If you'd brought a dog on our first date, I would have said I love you much faster."

09:10: Courtney says she hasn't been on a date in a while. Why? "I was just doing me." Do I even need to make the joke here? I don't, right?

09:07: Date #3 of the night is in a wooded area. Kinda looks like the setting of THE EVIL DEAD. I'm really excited.

09:00: Ben picks Blakeley because they had a great conversation. By conversation he means dry hump session.

08:59: BREAKING: The CDC has issued an herpes outbreak alert for the city of Sonoma.

08:59: WIMPY SLUTTY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 3 (Blakeley)

08:56: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 2 (Jennifer)

08:54: Blakeley's breasts appear to float above the water, as if made of some kind of buoyant material. The wife spotted that one.

08:50: Courtney receives the other solo date. Courtney describes herself as competitive and likes to win. The show should put John Carpenter's music from HALLOWEEN under everything she says.

08:49: These women waiting back at the Bachelor Mansion have been alone for less than a day and they're already losing their minds. That's really exciting.

08:48: "This process is really hard, and its taxing," says Jaclyn. No, it really isn't, Jaclyn.

08:46: Blakeley, the VIP Cocktail Waitress, really wants that rose. I recommend taking Ben to the champagne room.

08:40: Any THE BACHELOR drinking game would definitely need to involve shots any time the word "journey" is uttered by one of the contestants.

08:39: Ben the Sheep is now stripping in front a room full of children. "From executive producer Jerry Sandusky comes an all-new season of THE BACHELOR!"

08:38: Ben is now dressed like a sheep, which actually presents a really useful metaphor for the way these women blindly fall in love with him without actually getting to know him.

08:36: Is Ben's character named Prince Penis? Oh, Pinot. I guess that makes more sense.

08:32: Oh, so here's where everyone in town went. The Bachelor kidnapped everyone and sent them to this Community Theatre where they were forced to watch this terrible play.

08:30: If a man took you on a date with 9 other women, made you belittle yourself in front of children and dressed you up in infantile costumes, and there weren't cameras around, what would YOU do?

08:29: One of the girls says she's seen a whole other side of Ben on this date. She has spent maybe 4 minutes with him and said a total of eight words.

08:28: When a kid tells you to be a gingerbread man, you are totally in the right to tell that child to shut their goddamn mouths.

08:27: All the women are terrible actresses. I'm pretty sure the producers put this scene in to prove the show is not staged.

08:26: Ben says some of the roles in the play the women will be made to perform will be better than others. And so the degradation for his love begins.

08:25: Deep in the background of that shot, I saw one person in Sonoma. Phew. The zombies haven't eaten everyone yet.

08:21: WIMPY CAVEMAN KISS COUNT: 1 (Kacie B.)

08:19: Kacie B. keeps talking about opening Ben up. Again, it's really hard not to make orgy jokes here, guys.

08:18: Wimpy Caveman miss Dad.

08:18: Yeah this is just what I like to do on my first dates. Show my girl videos of my junk when I was a baby.

08:16: Next, Ben takes Kacie B. to an empty movie theater. Again, there are absolutely no signs of life anywhere in this town. If someone reading this right now lives in Sonoma, I'd appreciate an email just to let me know you guys are okay out there.

08:15: Ben wants to do THE BACHELOR again because it worked once for him. If it worked once, would he still be a bachelor?

08:14: "Come play with me," says Ben to ten women via a card. It is so hard for me not to make orgy jokes about this. I sincerely hope you all appreciate the effort I'm making here.

08:12: "I looking for someone who can be a part of this life," says Ben. So Kacie B. better have her own line producer, I guess.

08:08: Seriously: where is everyone? It's like a TWILIGHT ZONE episode in Sonoma.

08:06: Kacie B. says Ben puts her in touch with things she hasn't felt in a long time. Like, for example, her desire for reality television stardom.

08:05: The streets of Sonoma are completely deserted. This restaurant is empty. Don't you want to live here forever, Kacie B.?

08:04: Kacie B. gets the first date card. Not Casey. Kacie. You have to have a weirdly spelled name to be a Bachelorette.

08:02: 2 minutes in, Ben has already invoked the memory of his dead father. Exploit that pain, Ben!

07:36: A random observation before we begin, courtesy our guests for tonight's viewing of BIG LOVE: THE REALITY SESRIES THE BACHELOR: Season 16 Bachelor Ben Flajnik looks like "a wimpy caveman." Yes. Yes he does.


PREVIOUS BACHELOR LIVE BLOGS
Episode 1

Listgasm: 2011 Edition

To please the tyrannical overlord at Tativille, Michael J. Anderson, I hereby include another top ten films o' the year list. To keep from rehashing most of the same titles, this one will be of worldwide premieres in 2011, not U.S releases (hence the difference from my epoch-shaking list for Indiewire). Then, due to overwhelming internet demand (specifically, this guy), I will not-so-humbly unfurl my favorite albums of the year. Finally, this impossibly erotic post will end with some quotes from Pessoa's The Book of Disquiet, because that's just what happens in these situations.

Films

1. The Tree of Life (Terence Malick)

2. This Is Not a Film (Mojtaba Mirtahmbasb and Jafar Panahi)

3. Words of Mercury (Jerome Hiler)

4. Dreileben (Christian Petzold, Dominik Graf, and Christoph Hochhausler)

5. House of Pleasures (aka L'Apollonide, Bertrand Bonello)

6. Hugo (Martin Scorsese)

7. Mildred Pierce (Todd Haynes)

8. The Kid With a Bike (Jean-Luc and Pierre Dardenne)

9. It's the Earth, Not the Moon (Goncalo Tocha)

10. The Turin Horse (Bela Tarr)


Honorable Mentions: The Three Musketeers, Once Upon a Time in Anatolia, Two Years At Sea

The Best Acting by Milla Jovovich Award: Milla Jovovich in The Three Musketeers

Albums

1. Craig Taborn - Avenging Angel

2. Hayes Carll - KMAG YOYO

3. tUnEyArDs - w h o k i l l

4. Dave King Trucking Company - Good Old Light

5. Don Trip and Starlito - Step Brothers

6. Pistol Annies - Hell on Heels

7. Krallice - Diotima

8. Merle Haggard - Working in Tennessee

9. Mastodon - The Hunter

10. Matana Roberts - Coin Coin Chapter One, Gens de Couleur Libres

Quotes From Pessoa's Book of Disquiet that made me nod in snobbish approval during 2011:

"Yes, talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial, and in them intelligence gleams like an image in a mirror" -Chapter 49

"Civilization consists in giving something a name that doesn't belong to it and then dreaming over the result" - Chapter 66, "With a Shrug"

"I'm so isolated I can feel the distance between me and my suit" - Chapter 83

"Only landscapes that don't exist and books I'll never read aren't tedious." -Chapter 122

"Good deeds are impositions; that's why I categorically abhor them." -Chapter 208

"To belong is synonymous with banality." -Chapter 236

"To be a retired major seems to me ideal. Too bad it's not possible to have eternally been nothing but a retired major" - Chapter 244

Matt Live Blogs THE BACHELOR Season 16, Episode 1

FINAL THOUGHTS: Well, the Bachelorettes are suitably unbalanced, but I worry that Ben is not. Brad Womack was a giant mimbo, but he had a weird quirky personality -- or maybe the weird quirky absence of a personality that comes with years of therapy and on camera coaching. Ben is a little too normal. Maybe he was nervous, maybe he's not a good conversationalist, but he just didn't look particularly comfortable, or even that happy, hanging out with the women. He made a good Bachelor contestant on THE BACHELORETTE because he was a nice guy, and a welcome change from the super-intense, super-macho dudes who made up the rest of the cast. But as *THE* Bachelor he needs more personality.

10:00: I love that they're teasing the possibility that Ben could propose to a woman and she will say no. The show is about finding love, guys! That's what it's about!

09:59: There's always one girl who is very different around Ben than she is around the girls. Always.

09:57: Repeated references to "claws coming out." THE DARK KNIGHT RISES should consider a cross-promotion.

09:57: Ben has kissed a lot of women in this montage already.

09:53: Holy shit, the episode is over at just 9:52? So the "This Season on THE BACHELOR" montage is going to be 4 minutes long?!?

09:52: The sun is coming up on Bachelor Mansion. Who doesn't love a 15 hour cocktail party with one member of the opposite sex?!?

09:50: Amber B. leaves with dignity and class. In other words, she has no place on this show.

09:50: Head tip, no talk, walkby girl did not get a rose. The Wife is pleased.

09:48: BOOM. Totally called it. Jenna gets the last rose. Ben looks nervous hugging her.

09:47: We're not halfway through the rose ceremony and Jenna's already choking back tears. I suspect the producers have talked Ben into giving her the final rose just to see what she does on Week 2 of the show.

09:46: GRANDMA SHERYL FTW!!!

09:45: The "VIP Cocktail Waitress" gets a rose. Good. I want to hear more about her job.

09:43: It's fun to watch the Rose Ceremony and look for women you haven't seen at all on the show. Those are the women he isn't going to pick.

09:42: Jenna: "I preach not looking back. That's what I say in my blog!" Are we sure she's not just on the show to drive traffic to whatever the heck her blog was called?

09:35: Lindsay gets the First Impression Rose. She got it by riding in to the Bachelor Mansion on the horse. I like that this sounds like a joke, but it is, in fact, what actually happened on the show.

09:34: When a Bachelorette goes and hides in the bathroom and breaks down in tears, I imagine the entire BACHELOR production staff high fiving and cheering in video village.

09:32: Jenna's face is doing weird EXORCIST-y things. It's making me uncomfortable.

09:30: Monica vs Jenna is like someone set up an experiment to see who would win: Drunk or Crazy. So far, Drunk's dominating.

09:29: She says no.

09:28: Jenna offers to share a tampon with Monica as a peace offering. I don't know much about the female anatomy, hold on, I'm going to ask The Wife if women actually do that.

09:27: Monica's smile makes Jenna "sick." I can't wait to see what happens if Monica laughs.

09:25: Wife: "How do they pick the crazy ones? Don't they have a screening process? Do they look in their medicine cabinets for bipolar medication or something?"

09:20: Wife says Monica is the big winner of this year's Guess Which Bachelorette is the Drunkest. Tell Monica what she's won, Chris Harrison!

09:19: Just blue skying here. What would happen if instead of the Bachelor Mansion, one season of THE BACHELOR was filmed in Alcatraz? And instead of roses, Ben gave out homemade shanks?

09:17: Courtney was really struck when Ben said "I'm available." As opposed to him saying "I'm unavailable," I guess. That would be not so cool. She's just your average Italian Scottish Native American model.

09:17: Emily's not just an epidemiologist. She's a RAPPING epidemiologist. Who raps about epidemiology. Ladies and gentlemen, the best show on television.

09:16: ...or maybe what she REALLY does for a living...

09:15: Blakely has me wondering what exactly a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" does for a living.

09:07: Wife spots another popular BACHELORism: "I haven't felt this way in a long time," spoken by Sheryl's granddaughter.

09:06: Grandma Sheryl seems sweet now, but if she doesn't get a rose...

09:05: Grandma Sheryl is the next star of THE BACHELORETTE or I walk.

09:03: During this part of every BACHELOR premiere I like to play a little game. It's called Guess Which Bachelorette is The Drunkest. Feel free to play along.

09:02: The campfire budget on THE BACHELOR must be INSANE.

09:01: I never thought I'd say this in my life but: I miss Brad Womack.

08:54: Okay, now's when it gets good. 25 women drinking heavily and trying to one-up one another.

08:51: An alarming number of these women are struck speechless by Ben. Me: "He's not that good looking, right?" Wife: "He's cute!" :::awkward silence:::

08:51: Wife: "Oh no, she's got the head tip! Anna, I hate you."

08:48: Still mulling what I would say to impress The Bachelor. I know what would be the worst thing to say: his address, as you carefully caress a hunting knife.

08:46: Wife, on my last comment: "I flashed you pretty early on. I got a rose, didn't I?"

08:44: Always surprised none of the Bachelorettes flash the Bachelor. You're guaranteed a rose, right?

08:42: Brittany brought her grandmother Sheryl out to stack the deck in her favor, which provides us with the out-of-context quote of the night from Ben: "I love grandmas."

08:41: I believe that contestant called herself She-Ra. She made a wine joke. I would have gone with a Princess of Power reference.

08:38: Ooh, an epidemiologist. She gives Ben some Purell. Just what I'd want in a woman: she comes with her own hand sanitzer!

08:37: As a reminder, all 25 women are all here to date this one guy. THE BACHELOR would be a very different show if it was shot in Utah.

08:36: Every BACHELOR season has at least one or two crazies. Wife's calling Jenna as an early favorite for crazy. She's a blogger, so she's already halfway there.

08:34: Each Bachelorette has just a few seconds to say hello and make an impression. This woman just decided to use that time to compare herself to a)pork products and b)Canadian pork products. I don't envision big things for her.

08:34: Erica's dress was so bad, my wife just ordered her to get back in her limo and go home.

08:33: "Let the journey begin," says Chris Harrison. I was thinking more whatever they say to start the running of the bulls in Spain.

08:27: Phrase people only say on THE BACHELOR: "It opened me up." Other phrases inordinately popular on THE BACHELOR: "I feel like I'm finally ready for love again," and the ever-popular, "I'm not here to make friends."

08:26: Second time Chris Harrison has mentioned how hard it is to get down on one knee and propose. Way to keep twisting that knife, dude.

08:19: "The next time I get married," says Nicki, "It will be forever." Not if you have any hopes of winning THE BACHELOR, Nicki.

08:18: Shawn, the stockbroker, cares deeply about her work. And she wears low-cut blouses while caring deeply about her work. An early favorite.

08:17:Wife, on one of the Bachelorettes: "She looked prettier from farther away."

08:15: Jamie hasn't met Ben yet, but she's already fantasizing about having babies with him. The laid-back approach, I like it.

08:14: Bachelorette Courtney is introduced peeping at bathers on the Santa Monica Pier. Odd.

08:12: Bachelorette Amy is a shotgun enthusiast. For years, I've been saying a season of THE BACHELOR would end in bloodshed. So I'm very excited about Amy.

08:11:First Bachelorette is Lindzi. That's actually how it's spelled.

08:10: "It takes a lot for a man to get down on one knee and ask him to marry him," says BACHELOR host Chris Harrison. In fact, THE BACHELOR sort of proves the opposite.

08:06: The coming tonight clip teases lesbian Bachelorettes. Ah romance...

08:05: The wife observes that Ben has had his eyebrows manscaped. Can't be The Bachelor with unsightly facial hair.

08:04: Four minutes in, we get our first mention of a dead relative. Surely not the last. Probably not the last in the first ten minutes of the show.

08:03: The Bachelor is wearing a neon orange t-shirt. He's all yours, 25 crazy women.

08:01: Your new Bachelor is Ben, who proposed to a woman he hardly knew on last season of THE BACHELORETTE. She said no. Now he's THE BACHELOR. My gut says he's doing it primarily out of spite.

07:58: Here we go. If you're wondering why I'm doing this, read this piece about the best/worst show on television.

Now it's time to play: Travel Channel Show or Gay Porn?

Sounds simple right? It is.

I'm going to give you a list of titles. You tell me whether it's the name of a show that airs this week on Travel Channel or it's the name of a gay porn I found in the alley behind the library. Ready? Then it's time to play:

Travel Channel Show or Gay Porno!
-Big Beef Paradise
-Man Vs. Food
-The Layover: Singapore
-No Reservations: Montana
-Off Limits: Arizona
-Vegas Exposed
-Vegas Insiders
-Las Vegas: Adults Only
-Las Vegas: Sucker Bets
-Extreme Alaskan Adventures
-Extreme Miami Hotspots
-Extreme Playtime
-Extreme Resorts
-Extreme Truck Stops
-Extreme Bathrooms


Could you spot the gay porn? No, you couldn't. That's because there was no gay porn. Those are all actual Travel Channel shows. Even Off Limits: Arizona.

Thanks for playing. Tell them what they've won Johnny!