The Golden Globlogs

The Golden Globes are to the Oscars as Penthouse is to Playboy, as the Mets are to the Yankees: less important, less popular, and a lot less classy. But the Globes also serve alcohol to the attendees, which means by the end of the night you stand a very good chance of watching a big-time movie star go off script and slosh their words like a wino (as Harrison Ford and Elizabeth Taylor have both done at recent globes past). Here are random amusements from the Hollywood Foreign Press' annual salute to their ability to get the most powerful people in the industry to grovel at their feet:

8:13 P.M.: I generally could care less about what the stars' wear to these events, but a brief word of concern for Rachel Weisz, who just won the Best Supporting Actress award for The Constant Gardener. Her dress, which no doubt cost enough to feed a family of four for half a year, appeared as if someone had shoved a napkin in her cleavage, and was so heavy in the back that she walked off stage carrying it behind her. When wearing your dress makes you look like you're picking a wedgie, maybe it's not quite as classy as intended.

8:20 P.M.: Brandon Routh, the new Superman, gives the Best Supporting Actress (T.V.) award and comes off as bland and charismaless. This might seem like cause for concern, but since Superman is the most bland and charismaless superhero of all time, I'm more confident than ever that Bryan Singer made the right choice.

8:53 P.M.: After a little under an hour, no less than three acceptance speeches — Geena Davis (Commander in Chief), Hugh Laurie (House), and Steve Carell (The Office) — have actually made me laugh. That's got to be some kind of record. Good to see people coming prepared with material.

9:06 P.M.: Ooh boy, they just announced Harrison Ford is coming up! Will he be totally smashed or just sober-yet-sluggish? Stay tuned...

9:27 P.M.: I'm disappointed to report that Harrison Ford seems quite alert, even peppy by his standards. Still, the booze might be getting to George Clooney who faked making out with co-screenwriter Grant Heslov on camera (right before Brokeback Mountain won for Best Screenplay no less).

9:36 P.M.: With respect to Desperate Housewives, there's no way Curb Your Enthusiasm is not the best of those shows. And wouldn't it be great to hear what Larry David has to say about accepting awards at a lavish award show? He'd probably have all sorts of hilarious and insightful observations.

9:56 P.M.: Gwenyth Paltrow seems fairly convinced it's pronounced "An-toe-nee" not "An-tho-nee" flying in the face of established pronunciation and contradicting every person I have ever heard mention Anthony Hopkins. But hey she worked with him on a movie, maybe she knows something we don't.

10:07 P.M.: Okay it's becoming evident that Clooney is the clear frontrunner for the Elizabeth Taylor "I'll Tell You When I've Had Enough!" Award For Public Inebriation. Just as they went to commercial after Hopkins' award, they showed a shot of Clooney trying to hold an empty shot glass on his face with his squinting eye. Why oh why did he get his award first instead of now?!?

10:18 P.M.: Why was Joaquin Phoenix so surprised he won the Best Actor award? Apparently nobody told him he's the front runner and has been the front runner since September. Somebody get that guy a subscription to Entertainment Weekly.

10:23 P.M.: That's the second time they've played a commercial for Target with the song "The Shape of Things to Come." That's a song from the classic Barry Shear film Wild in the Streets, where the world's biggest pop star becomes President of the United States and puts the entire adult population over the age of 35 into internment camps and laces the country's water supply with LSD. So remember, shop at Target and one day, with your help, we'll get those fogies into the camps, get those squares out of Washington, and dig on all the groovyness of LSD water!

10:50 P.M.: I must say that Philip Seymour Hoffman winning for Capote is a bit of a surprise after Brokeback won the awards for director and screenplay. If only Heath Ledger had played a real-life gay cowboy he would have been in a much better position for awards season.

10:58 P.M.: Thank goodness it's over, I'm exhausted. Now I know why they drink at this thing, it's the only way to make it through it. Pass the scotch.