The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior (2005)

Kudos to the great Robin Enrico for alerting me to this movie — if we want to be generous and call it that. This 90-minute excoriation produced by the WWE is just one big eff you to their former wrestler, The Ultimate Warrior (real name Jim Hellwig — or at least it was his real name until he had it legally changed to "Warrior"). At no point does The Warrior get to rebut the charges against him which eventually makes you feel kind of bad for the guy even though, by all accounts, he was a total dick.

The Ultimate Warrior was a popular wrestler for the WWF (as it was known back then) during my childhood. I can remember the palpable sense of excitement I felt when I watched Warrior defeat the hated Honky Tonk Man at the very first SummerSlam, and the anxiety and confusion I felt when he squared off against my favorite wrestler, Hulk Hogan, at WrestleMania VI. I also remember spending a good deal of time searching for evidence that there were, in fact, two Ultimate Warriors — as an urban legend that circulated in the early-90s suggested the original guy died and was replaced by an imposter, explaining the Warrior's absence from the WWF for a few months. In reality, there was only one dude, and he was fired for a time after threatening not to show up for a main event match if he didn't get a big chunk of money.

I'd be fascinated to hear about these stories from the Warrior himself, but he's not on the best terms with the WWE at this point, as evidenced by the fact that this DVD, which contains interviews from tons of Warrior's contemporaries and employers, exists expressly to prove what a douche he is. The Warrior seems like an interesting guy — I mean, for crying out loud, the man wrote a comic about himself in which he takes over the North Pole from Santa Claus and then rapes St. Nick. But I suppose we'll have to wait for the Warrior to explain himself another time.

Instead, The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior pretty much makes fun of him for 90 minutes even though, back in the day, WWF made plenty of money off this guy from kids like me. We all thought he was super-cool because he painted his face and he picked guys up over his head like they were made off Nerf foam and he ran around like a crazy person, all things that are fun to imitate when you're 9 years old. For some reason, the Warrior's agenda of beating people up and wearing tassels on his biceps made perfect sense to me then. Now, I see, that the man was kind of deranged.

"Now you must deal with the creation of all the unpleasantries in the entire universe! As I feel the injection from the gods above I only know that the Ultimate Warrior is totally out of controlllllll..."

Okay there Jimbo. Look, if you want unintentional comedy, this DVD is a treasure trove. Oh and speaking of all the unpleasantries in the entire universe, look at what else I found on YouTube.