Monday, January 15, 2007

The Golden Globlog: 2007

Miss Golden Globes reluctantly welcomes you to Termite Art's exhaustive coverage of the Hollywood Foreign Press' yearly descent into wine-buzzed megalomania.

Some important background on Miss Golden Globes: "Lorraine, age 16, is the daughter of six-time Golden Globe recipient and former Cecil B. DeMille honoree Jack Nicholson and Rebecca Broussard. Lorraine is an actress whose credits include the hit 2006 comedy “Click” starring Adam Sandler, “The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement” and “Something’s Gotta Give.”" I liked Click. Thanks Miss Golden Globes.

-We begin with a bang - with a faux Cher disco track with a variety of "stars" making ambiguous hand gestures. I'm hooked!

-Clooney has excellent action going on with his hair. Lots of swoosh. Jennifer Hudson shocks no-one with a Supporting Actress win and delivers a sincerely humble speech, although I wish she didn't thank hack director Bill Condon.

-Timberlake stands awkwardly waiting for Prince to pick up the best Song award for Happy Feet, but he doesn't show. He must be busy preparing the Super Bowl half-time show - I'm praying for some assless chaps. JT mocks Prince's height at the mic stand. Clever. Some say JT just rips off Prince - I say it's a knowing and brilliant homage.

-there she is! Our girl! Miss Golden Globes! She's all sparkly! What a delight!

-Jeremey Irons gets nominated for a non-dragon related movie for the Elizabeth I TV movie. He wins! Interesting facial hair for Jeremey. It looks like he's working on a beard but it's coming in rather patchy. Brangelina smile vacantly as Irons acts the cad. He's didn't mention Inland Empire. Bummer...

-Patricia Arquette is showing a lot of forehead tonight. Hot. Kyra Sedgwick wins
something. She acts shocked. I notice Sharon Stone sitting next to Dominick Dunne. Nice. Kyra gushes too much about a show nobody watches.

-It's safe to say I'm in love with Naomi Watts. But she introduces Babel, which lowers her a notch or two. So now we're down to lust. She says Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu is "masterful". I get nauseous. She mispronounces his name - take that punk!.

-Renee Zellwegger is still pert. But her shoulders are like razorblades. Weird. We all applaud for the Hollywood Foreign Press. Huzzah! A balding old man with a limp walks on stage. Clint Eastwood looks confused at this guy. I should mention his hair looks like Coppola's Dracula. He's the group's president. Will Ferrell looking at the camera clapping slowly is funny. Did you see the Blades of Glory trailer? Please do.

-Jessica Biel and Diddy make it happen. Something TV related. Diddy has a nice ring. Emily Blunt wins supporting actress in TV drama. She was good in My Summer of Love and Devil Wears Prada. I have no idea what show she's winning for. Gideon's something or other. She says Miranda Richardson is "spookily talented".

-the Heroes cast looks unnaturally tan. Hugh Laurie takes it to the House with a win for best actor in a TV drama. I remain clever. Laurie mentions "colonic irrigations." Best speech so far. He says his crew smells like "freshly mown grass". He's killing it.

-a Charlie Sheen sighting. He needs to make Hot Shots 3. Oh, he's intro'ing his brother's film, Bobby. My parents really liked it. Heartwarming.

-Steve Carell looks bored reading lame joke but namechecks Geoges Melies so he ends up OK. It's for best animated film. Dave Kehr's crossing his fingers right now for Monster House. Sorry Dave, Cars takes home the gold orb. News break from John Lasseter: "Animation is awesome." Thanks, John. (Miss Golden Globes update: she's doing some expert clapping out there and I daresay she has perfect posture)

-Joaquin waltzes out. Annette Benning is downing wine as her Best Actress nom is announced. Jay-Z is looking good next to Beyonce. We all know Meryl should win. We know this. She wins and is promptly adorable - tells some producer to shut up. She's the best. Tells crowd to demand theater owners to show more independent fare. But civily, of course. She mentions Little Children as part of this, but her intentions are noble.

-the Pan's Labyrinth girl shakes hands with Angelina Jolie in a cut to commercial shot! I find this affecting for reasons I'd rather not investigate.

-Ben Stiller is wiry. He introduces that Borat movie I'm sure you've heard about. Sacha Baron Cohen smiles uncomfortably, but his lady friend Amy Adams makes up for it.

-Salma Hayek enunciates slooooooooowly. I think her English is rapidly declining. Her cleavage is still surging, though. It's the best mini-series or TV movie. I'm rooting for the Walter Hill movie, despite never seeing it. Elizabeth I takes it home. Blah blah blah.

-Rachel Weisz's cheekbones announce Best Supporting actor noms. Affleck needs this. But Eddie Murphy is the deserved winner.....and wait a second....there's Prince sitting behind him! What the fuck is going on! Did he intentionally snub JT! This is an outrage! Eddie Murphy wins by the way....and when I said he was the deserved winner, he should've shared it with Mark Wahlberg. But still, he was a badass in that movie. More thanks for that loser Bill Condon. Bummer. Entertainment Tonight needs to get on this Prince story ASAP.

-Best Actor in a TV movie or mini-series: we've got Andre Braugher (Homicide: Life on the Street - best show ever) and Bobby Duvall. Billy Nighy won for that Gideon movie. Oh, the movie's called Gideon's Daughter. It's a TV movie sweep in the lead actor category. Huge.

-Annette Benning is drunk. But Gillian Anderson is nominated. Give it to her! She was great in The House of Mirth! But the class of Helen Mirren wins. That's a daring dress for an older lady. Low cut and all that. I will not complain. Judge me if you must.

-Cameron Diaz intros The Departed. Is Timberlake dying inside at her childish insouciance? Only JT knows.

-Jeremey Piven hasn't shaved. Rebel!. Best screenplay noms. Where's Inside Man? I don't know. The Queen wins. Miss Golden Globes handles the award with delicate grace. Peter Morgan starts making a vague political speech - you have to believe public protest counts for something. Ok.

-that hunk Tim Allen walks up with Vanessa Williams - Tim's voice is getting more gravelly and creepy. This is a good thing. Actor award for comedy. The woman sitting next to Jason Lee is gorgeous. Alec Baldwin wins for 30 Rock. He should get an award for his cumulative SNL appearances instead. But I guess this is close enough.

-James Woods would rather be at the Playboy Mansion. But here he is introducing the best comedy. Bad luck James. I never knew Kevin Nealon was on Weeds. I like that guy. Ugly Betty wins. America Ferrera freaks out - she's also adorable. This must be some sort of upset. I would like to hang out with these people.

-Jamie Foxx is cool. Damn. He intros Dreamgirls. Makes a crack how it's only open on 800 screens. I'm sure Dreamworks is thrilled.

-Sharon Stone can do nothing but smile. Best Foreign Language Film. I think Eastwood has an unfair advantage here. Highest quality category so far, Pan's Labyrinth, Volver, Letters from Iwo Jima, The Lives of Others. And of course Clint takes it home. If anyone's cooler than Jamie Foxx, it's Clint. He quotes Jennifer Hudson: "You don't know what this does for my confidence". He's awesome.

-In case you didn't know, Lexus is in pursuit of perfection. Thanks Lexus.

-Hugh Grant claims Prince was stuck in traffic - so that's why he missed his award. I don't buy it. It's a vast conspiracy to make Timberlake look uncomfortable. I'm disgusted.

-Painted Veil wins best score. I open another Beck's.

-Stamos! Look at that stubble! He's back ladies, and on the prowl. The awards don't matter - it's all about the machismo of Stamos overpowering the room. Jennifer Love Hewitt can hardly breath through all that testosterone. But wait, America Ferrera wins, and no one was left unmoved. Seriously, I've never seen the show but a more likeable lady I've never seen. Annette Benning tears up, but that's just the alcohol, I think. America gets on camera too early for the interview, and sheepishly stalks off, before walking back on a second later. Awkward! Brunette interview babe is failing horribly at interview, asking uncomfortable question about people who didn't want America for the role. Fun for me.

-a Tom Hanks sighting. A Warren Beatty tribute. I'm already bored. Time for a break.

-Well, I should see Reds. I hear it's quite good. And Hanks is a decent comedian, so as tributes go, not painful. Beatty: "I've got moisturizer older than Tom Hanks". Then he talks to the other old bastards, jealous of Eastwod and Nicholson. I laugh. Classy. "I asked Arnold to become a Democrat, he did what I said." Snap! He continues to ramble and I like it. He has a friend in Tennesee...

-Dustin Hoffman rips off an Ishtar joke - Ishtar 2 next year! I'll be there. Then things take a turn for the worse when he intros Little Miss Sunshine. I'd rather watch Ishtar.

-Best Director Noms. Clint Eastwood gets a double dip. Everyone else is a douche except for Scorsese. Scorsese takes it - bodes well for the Oscars. I wasn't a huge fan of the film but am happy to see him win anyway. He gets a standing O. Mentions Night of the Hunter and The Red Shoes, just because he can. Thankfully mentions Infernal Affairs - it wasn't featured prominently enough in the credits of the film, so that's good. More references, he wanted to make a WB gangster film like The Public Enemy and Angels With Dirty Faces.

-is Reese Witherspoon America's Sweetheart? It will remain unanswered. Best actor for comedy coming up. Borat wins! He saw a dark side of America, the anus and testicles of his co-star Ken Davitian. This is good. Ken raises his wine glass. Then a cut, Ken drinking from his bottle. If it wasn't for the rancid bubble he had to breath after Ken sat on him, he wouldn't be here today. I hope he wins the Oscar.

-Dane Cook will never be funny. He intros Thank You For Smoking.

-J-Lo gives the best Comedy or Musical film to Dreamgirls. They're speeding things up. David Geffen is a friend to all and kind to animals. Don't thank Condon you lame producer......damn! He did it. Screw you Condon.

-I've promised myself never to watch Grey's Anatomy. It just won the best drama award. Will this change my attitude? Only time will tell.

-Awards are coming fast and furious now, Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like Tom Gunning (that's him to the right) with his moustache. He's on best actress watch. Mirren has this on lockdown. And she wins...

-Best Actor. Dicaprio is a beast with two noms.......but Forest Whitaker, the director of Hope Floats, takes the award. He sounds out of breath. He's overtaken by emotion and Sharon Stone is still smiling.

-Schwarzenegger on crutches hobbles out to announce best drama. Courageous. Babel and Bobby sound exactly the same coming out of his mouth. He gives it to Babel. I die inside. The only thing keeping me alive is that beautiful flower Miss Golden Globes - I owe Lorraine so much. Inarritu: "the power of cinema is universal". This guy is a genius. Miss Golden Globes....take me away!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep it coming, Emmet. I expect you to be my eyes and ears for the evening.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Matt Singer said...

How you sat through all that is beyond me. I came in late and had trouble sitting through most of it. Cohen's speech was awesome, but even funnier was that totally awkward moment where the chick from Ugly Betty walked off stage and didn't know whether or not the Golden Globes reporter was going to interview her or not. She stood on camera than got yanked off then came back on and after all that the question she gets asked is "So what would you say to all those people who didn't think you DESERVED to be Ugly Betty?"

I think it was supposed to sound cute, like ho-ho, shows them, you just won a Golden Globe, but it came off less as a question and more of a statement, as in "You DON'T deserve to play Ugly Betty!" and that's how the actress took it, she didn't know what to say! Awesome.

I also liked that Warren Beatty's acceptance speech for his lifetime achievement award was him berating Clint Eastwood and Jack Nicholson for being more talented and busier than him. Not like cute, he was yelling at them (maybe it was the booze, who knows). That was awesomely uncomfortable too.

Clint Eastwood in BULWORTH would be amazing.

12:59 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home