Thursday, June 08, 2006

Help Me Bring Gymkata to DVD

My friends, we stand on the edge of a great new era. With your help, we can bring the greatest film of all time to DVD.

I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "Matt, you boob, the greatest film of all time is Citizen Kane and it's already available on DVD, and a pretty damn good one too." And, yes, it's true; Kane is a cinematic landmark and it's one of the very best of DVDs you can buy. But next to Gymkata and the awesome might of Kurt Thomas, Charles Foster Kane is a titanic wuss. CFK's got the green and the power, but KT? Dude's got the SKILL of gymnastics and the KILL of karate.

Beat that, Chuck.

For those who are unfamiliar, Gymkata (henceforth "The Greatest Film of All Time" or "TGFoAT"), stars real-life Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, playing Olympic gymnast Jonathan Cabot. He is recruited to undertake a spy mission for the United States government to the phoney baloney Eastern European country Parmistan (where, we must assume, cheese is a major export). Parmistan is in prime position to launch some sort of Star Wars-style spy satellite, and so Cabot is sent to compete in the country's "game" where oily men run for their lives through the beautiful country side of Parmistan, pursued by ninjas and men without shirts. The winner of "the game" is granted one wish -- and the U.S. government wants Cabot to win "the game" and wish upon a star for the exclusive rights to launch a certain satellite. To ensure he wins "the game," Cabot is trained in a special martial art that fuses his existing gymnastic skills with kung fu.

This is very stupid foreign policy, and an even stupider movie, maybe the stupidest ever made. But the sheer audacity and pervasiveness of that stupidity is what sets TGFoAT apart from most other so-bad-they're-good movies. Gymnastic karate moves might have sounded good in theory, but this is the least practical self-defense you can possibly conceive of. It would only be truly useful in the middle of an arena full of gymnastics equipment, so to make Thomas look good, director Robert Clouse litters the architecture of Parmistan with barely-disguised bars and rings, and, in the most infamous sequence, a pommel horse well:

I have a VHS copy of TGFoAT that I purchased on eBay and have watched so many times the tape is starting to skip in spots. Things were looking bleak, until a ray of sunshine from heaven. Warner Brothers and are having a promotion entitled DVD Decision 2006, where shoppers can browse a list of 30 titles and vote on the ones they'd like to buy. The top ten vote getters will get released on DVD. TGFoAT is one of the titles you can choose from.

I implore you to go to Amazon's DVD Decision 2006 and vote for Gymkata. Even if you have no intention of buying the film, but care about my wellfare and happiness, do it for me. Please. Kurt Thomas thanks you. The good people of Parmistan thank you. And I thank you.



Blogger Mr. Smartypants said...

This is an all around bad idea.

here is why

11:01 AM  
Blogger Matt Singer said...

Mr. Smartypants-

When the Gymkata revolution comes, you will be spared our high kicking wrath.

M. Laurence Singer
President and CEO, Gymkata Industries

5:38 PM  

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