Cannes not

You'll find my completely uninformed Cannes Film Festival coverage below. I have never been to Cannes nor have I seen any of the films mentioned. Enjoy.

*Boy, these lines are long.

*Badges, huh? Jeez.

*Lars von Trier's Antichrist: Holy shit!

*I can't believe I heard {famous critic} say that to {less famous critic}!

*Johnnie To's Vengeance: Suits arranged in geometric patterns explode into redness.

*Gaspar Noe is a geniuasshole.

*Alain Resnais' Wild Grass: It's floating away. Sublime!

*This croissant is tasty.

*Corneliu Porumboiu's Police, Adjective: Romania, yay! Bureaucracy, boo!

*I'm so tired I'm hallucinating that the main competition is superior to Un Certain Regard. Zing!

*Michael Haneke's The White Ribbon: Rigor, mortality.

*My weight gain is affecting my sex drive. You know, because of the economy.

*Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds: The Expendables will be better.

*The award will go to that guy who did that thing.