New Yorkers: Honk if You Have Thetans!

Finally a reason to be excited about the 2006 Tribeca Film Festival. Turns out Tom Cruise has some movie coming out in a few weeks, and — wango tango — there's some publicity to be had. So Tom will travel all over Manhattan "by motorcycle, speedboat, taxicab, helicopter, sports car, and subway," pimping his movie and, in all likelihood, stopping to give commuters E-meter stress tests while in the subway.

Does this mean Cruise is really going to hail a cab? Wear a seatbelt? Use a MetroCard? How utterly...mortal of him. There's got to be a catch. According to Rolling Stone, Cruise, as an "OT-VII," has total control over his environment and can "move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings." In other words, if he does take a cab, don't expect him to get stuck in traffic.

According to the press release, "Cruise’s mission – 'should he choose to accept it' – will begin at 3:30 pm at MTV’s “TRL” studios in Times Square." How cool would it be if he did choose not to accept it? I mean if the RS article is true you can't make the dude do thing one without him wanting to.

Assistant: Mr. Cruise, it's time to go to TRL?

Cruise: Um, no.

Assistant: No?

Cruise: Nah screw it. I'm gonna chill here and check out the sonogram.

Assistant: But...

Cruise: [waives his hand] I don't need to go to TRL.

Assistant: You don't need to go to TRL.

Cruise: These aren't the droids you're looking for...

Assistant: These aren't the droids we're looking for...

The press release also notes that the new Mission: Impossible (which, as directed by Alias' J.J. Abrams, could actually be good) is rated PG-13 for "disturbing images and brief sensuality." Must...fight...urge...to make...Katie...Holmes...joke!

Good luck on your visit to the Big Apple Tom. Here's hoping it doesn't wind up like this: